"I am bursting with some kind of longing..."

The rest of the quote goes, "...although I don't know why." "I am bursting with some kind of longing"...and today, I do know why. I have been reading, thinking on and praying about love a lot recently. Not just any old love. God's love. So bear with me as I wrap my head around all my journal entries, pulling out pieces here and there to share with you. I would normally keep all this in my journal, close to my heart, to share only with God. But this, I feel the need to share.

I sit here smiling, with tears in my eyes and with a full heart, bursting with a longing after God's love. The tears are for the indescribable sense of God I feel- the fullness of God-the peace, the knowledge that I, I am loved by the God who created the universe. GOD, who knows my name, who has kept count of my tossings and has put my tears in his bottle.

I have often read the verse, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind." But never have I stopped to think about what loving God with ALL my heart would look like. Nevermind "soul" and "mind". I must start with my heart. If my relationship with God is analogous to a relationship I might have here on earth-if God were sitting next to me on the couch and I loved Him with all my heart...

This kind of love. With all my heart. Does it not sound intense and deliberate-unashamedly full of passion? If I love God with all my heart I would continually, relentlessly be seeking to absorb Him, piece by piece. If God were sitting next to me, I would reach out and take His hand in mine. There is so much I would want to know. Picture a human relationship. That one. I would want to look at photographs of his childhood, reveling in the mysteries, nuances and shadings that make him who he is. I would hang onto every word, every expression, memorizing the details of his face. I would want to know where that scar came from, what food he enjoys and what brings him happiness. If he were sitting next to me, I would put on a favorite song and ask him to dance. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but in his presence. These analogies are all I can come up with right now. I'm sure there is much more that I would want (to know, do, say). Taking this back to God, I think more than anything, I would want to know that God loves me back and is looking at me with the same adoration that I am gazing at Him with. I wouldn't be afraid to tell Him all of this because in Him, there would be no dismissal, no rejection. The Bible says "God is love" and "Perfect love drives out fear"

If I loved God with all my heart...
And yet, so often I don't. So often my relationship with God falls so short of the ultimate romance. I am slow to come, stop, and listen. I am slow to sit and hold his hand. I question, I delay, I wait for the perfect time, I forget to soak in who He is, what He is all about and I forget to remain, to ABIDE in His love. Yet, He loves me still. Perfect love...the kind of love that sends His Son to die for me so that I may be counted as righteous. While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. God has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love. My heart is full of this love! "...with all my heart...", yet so often I love with only a portion of my heart. And I wonder, will you love me again today O, Lord? And I stumble, and screw up and instead of showing God how much I love Him, I glare, or give Him the cold shoulder, or turn around just as I hear my name being called. And that's just it. His love for me does not stem from me. He doesn't love me because of who I am. He loves me because of who He is. I can't influence God's love. If I could, (and I quote Max Lucado) "...John would have used more ink: God is occassional love, or sporadic love, or fair-weather love...if my actions altered his devotion, then God would not be love; indeed, he would be human, for this is human love."

My previous post said only this, "I have loved you with an everlasting love". That is astounding to me. I am so grateful for this kind of love. Paul was convinced that nothing can separate us from His love. I am slowly becoming convinced as well. Peter denied Jesus (3 times!), Thomas doubted Jesus and all the disciples deserted Him--and He still loved them. I can sit down with my God and in all vulnerability, tell Him that I need His love, desperately. That I am thirsty and have come to drink. I love you Lord. I don't have much to offer, but here I am. If nothing can separate me from your love, if that is true....you make me feel like I don't suck all that much after all. I want to love you with ALL my heart. Provide me with the ability to do so Lord.

My heart is bursting with some kind of longing...
"My heart has heard you say, "Come and talk with me, O my people." And my heart responds, "Lord, I am coming." -Psalm 27:8-